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In
Our Opinion w/ Paul & Bev
Latest
“Live” Show Topic
Topic:
Infidelity --- To
stay or not to stay, that is the question…
According
to Dictionary.com
Infidelity ---
With regard to human relationships, couples tend to
expect sexual monogamy
of each other. If so, then cheating commonly refers to
forms of infidelity,
particularly adultery.
However, there are other divisions of
infidelity, which may be emotional. Cheating by thinking
of, touching and talking with someone you are attracted
to may be equally damaging to one of the parties.
Emotional cheating may be correlated to that of emotional
abuse, which to date is treated seriously in a court
of law as physical cheating. With the expansion of
understanding of other cultures, there is a wide
spectrum of what cheating means. When in a committed
relationship, the definition of cheating is based on
both parties' opinions, and both parties may redefine
their understanding to match the party at an either
lower or higher extreme of this definition. Some couples
simply believe that cheating constitutes doing anything,
whether verbal or physical, that one would not do in
front of their significant other. Such examples would
include: expressing attraction to another person,
electronic communications, texting, data, kissing,
making out, and sexual relations.
Many people consider cheating to be any violation of the mutually
agreed-upon rules or boundaries
of a relationship, which may or may not include sexual
monogamy. For example, in some polygamous
relationships, the concepts of commitment and fidelity
do not necessarily hinge on complete sexual or emotional
monogamy. Whether polygamous or monogamous, the
boundaries to which people agree vary widely, and
sometimes these boundaries evolve within each
relationship.
The
Biblical Review
Exodus
20:14 You shall not commit adultery.
Leviticus
18:20 Do
not have sexual relations with your neighbor's wife and
defile yourself with her.
Proverbs
5:3-9 For the lips of an adulteress drip
honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the
end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged
sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead
straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way
of life; her paths are crooked, but she knows it not.
Proverbs
5:27-29 Can a man scoop fire into his lap without
his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals
without his feet being scorched? So is he who sleeps
with another man's wife; no one who touches her will go
unpunished.
Proverbs
5:32 But a man who commits adultery lacks
judgment; whoever does so destroys
himself.
Matthew
5:27, 28, 32 You have heard that it was said, 'Do
not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who
looks at a woman lustfully has already committed
adultery with her in his heart. But I tell you that
anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital
unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and
anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
Hebrews
13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the
marriage bed kept
pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the
sexually immoral.
Top 5 Reasons Women Cheat
Number 5 - Feeling
neglected/ignored/underappreciated
Women
wear many hats in a relationship -- housekeeper,
errand-runner, grocery shopper, babysitter, etc. When
she feels more like a maid than a girlfriend/wife,
that’s when she could stray. The fact that you spend
all your time at work or on the golf
course gives her double reason to seek
attention elsewhere. No, you can’t quit your job,
but you can thank
her for all her selfless deeds -- and do your share
around the house.
Number 4 - Your emotional withdrawal
Women
are emotional beings. Not only do they need physical
support, but they also need emotional support. Once you
retreat from the relationship, she sees it as a sign
that things are through -- a breakup is inevitable. So,
she’s not really cheating, she’s moving on. To avoid
this, be present
in the relationship. Yes, that means sharing your icky
feelings, but it’s better than the alternative, right?
Number 3 - Bedroom boredom
Sex
can become monotonous if you let it -- the same
position; the same setting; the same person. An affair
adds adventure and gets her adrenalin flowing. To avoid
routine, avoid repetition. Sweep her away for the
weekend, make out at the movies,
kiss her for no reason at all... The unexpected adds
excitement.
Number 2 - Exit strategy
Instead
of breaking
up with you, she cheats on you. That way she
doesn’t have to deal with the broken relationship,
which is much harder to fix. An affair is the easy way
out -- or at least that’s how she sees it. That’s
another reason communication is key. Let her know that
she can talk to you about anything and that you love her
enough to work through any bumps in the relationship
road.
Number 1 - Revenge for your cheating
Hell
hath no fury like a woman scorned. Because you cheated,
she wants to get back at you and give you a dose of your
own medicine. Cheating is her vengeance, her chance to
even the playing field. No, you can’t undo your
indiscretion, but you can ask for her forgiveness,
assure her it will never happen again and suggest
couples therapy to help you get through this tough time.
According to
www.marriagebuilders.com
The
Aftermath of Discovery
What
happens next?
You've
found the evidence, have confronted your spouse, and are
now trying to figure out if the marriage can be
repaired. You are wondering if you will ever love, trust or be
able to get over the hurt, rage and jealousy which
results from discovering your mate had an affair. You
feel all alone in your grief and are wondering what
comes next in this process. Well, let me walk you
through the steps, and what you can expect to find down
this long, dark road toward recovery.
#1
The initial shock.
This is the phase where you are simply in disbelief. You
cannot comprehend that your spouse was physically
or emotionally intimate with someone other than
yourself. You start piecing the puzzle together and
realize that so much of your reality was actually a lie.
During this phase you are simply in a fog while you try
to make sense of what is
going on and figure out if this is
all some sort of bad dream.
#2 Rage. You begin to realize
that this is actually happening and not some cruel joke.
During this phase you may become physically ill and find
you are simply unable to get out of bed, go to work, or
interact with others in your world. It is not uncommon
for you to have episodes of crying, throwing things,
breaking objects, screaming, fighting, and generally
behaving way out of control. You cannot see past the
anger and may choose to express your rage in ways that
are dangerous, unhealthy, or illegal.
#3 The desire for revenge.
This is the point where you are the most dangerous. You
are not thinking clearly and simply want to enact
revenge upon those who you feel have wronged you. You
may begin plotting and planning ways to get back at
either the other man/woman, or your spouse. Thoughts of
a revenge affair move to the fore-front of your mind and
you may begin thinking of who you can sleep with in
order to even the score with your spouse. You start
looking for ways to bring down your
spouse's lover by hurting him/her personally,
professionally, or financially. Please remember, this
phase will pass, and pure emotional decisions rooted in
pain often lead to actions which one later regrets.
#4 Letting go of the anger. At
this point the initial, violent, active rage subsides
and you are left with a dull ache and the feeling of
being emotionally wiped out. This is typically the time
when you can begin to entertain the notion of
reconciliation, or begin taking steps to end the
marriage. Although deeply hurt, you begin thinking more
logically and are not as consumed with revenge but
rather are more interested in taking an assessment of
your life, goals and where you
would like your marriage to go from
here. You begin focusing a little less on the other
man/woman and more on your spouse and the mess they have
made in your marriage. During this phase, you are often
simply too tired to fight, cry or re-live the horror 24
hours a day, and are beginning to desire closure, one
way or another.
#5 Picking up the pieces. If
you are planning and able to put your marriage back
together, this is the point where you need complete,
unwavering, total cooperation from the cheater. He/she
needs to know that this is going to be a looooong, drawn
out process, which will only be longer if they set up
roadblocks to your recovery. Things the cheater does
which hinder progress include, refusing to answer
questions regarding things that you have a right to
know,
continued contact with the other
man/woman, minimizing the situation or putting the blame
back on the victim, or setting a time limit for when the
victim should be "over it". All these things
are detrimental to the recovery of the relationship and
make it nearly impossible for there to ever be true
healing. If you are not planning to put your marriage
back together then this is the time you need to begin
seeking space and time fillers. I don't mean people that
you run to on the rebound
and then screw up their lives for the
sake of your recovery. I mean activities and interests
that you move to the front of your life in order to fill
up the empty space left by the loss of companionship.
This will be a lonely time but if you choose to sit
around sulking and feeling sorry for yourself, you will
remain in this space indefinitely.
#6 Learning to trust again.
This is a difficult phase regardless of whether you are
trying to repair your current relationship or begin a
new one. I don't advise beginning a new one anytime
soon, however, because you need time to heal and be
comfortable being with yourself before bringing another
person into your world. If you are trying to rebuild
your marriage, learning to trust comes only from seeing
a cheater lay all of his/her cards on the table and them
making
their life an open book. This is an
extremely long, slow process which plain and simply can
only improve with the passage of time. Once enough of
your mate's stories check out as true, and when you can
feel with complete certainty that he/she is no longer
communicating with the other man/woman, then you are on
your way to learning to trust again. But, as previously
mentioned, if the cheater is not helping you along in
the process then it simply will not work. Additionally,
if you are dealing with a serial cheater, or one who
continues to cheat even though they have vowed fidelity,
this process will never end. Therefore, you likely can
not, nor will not, ever rebuild the trust necessary for
a healthy marriage.
#7 Dealing with triggers.
Triggers are certain names, places and events which
painfully remind you of the time your spouse was having
an affair. Perhaps it is a certain song that was popular
during the time of the affair, or a restaurant or motel
he/she told you they visited. Triggers also come in the
form of seeing someone who reminds you of the other
man/woman or hearing their name. Often looking back at
old photos will become a trigger if in the photo you are
standing there smiling at the camera,
unaware that your spouse was sleeping with someone else
at the time. There is really no remedy for triggers or
way to avoid them. The only thing to do is to keep from
obsessing over them and driving yourself crazy about
things which you cannot control.
#8 Setting realistic goals.
This is the point when you need to figure out whether or
not you will be able to continue in your present
relationship. Of course, it will never be the same, and
following traumatic events you must settle into your
"new reality". But, can you continue to live
in this manner? Do you feel comfortable that you will be
able to trust your spouse again and not keep beating
them over the head everyday with questions and comments
about the affair? Have
they taken responsibility for their
actions, tried to repair the relationship, and vowed
never to repeat the behavior? If so, and if you feel
that with time the relationship can be fixed, then
moving on in your marriage is a realistic goal. If on
the other hand, your spouse refuses to acknowledge the
affair, will not answer questions, behaves suspiciously
and continues
contact with the other man/woman, you
need to ascertain if you can indeed continue to live
with this. If not, then reconciliation is not a
realistic relationship goal. Only you can do the
assessment here, and although input from others might be
nice, in the long run you need to take this time to
access what is in your best interest yourself.
#9 Finding a healthy new self.
With or without him/her, you will recover and you will
be okay. Yes, it does take time, but you will emerge
from this a healthier, stronger more aware person.
Hopefully you will recognize that you cannot entrust
another individual with total responsibility for your
happiness. During this process, you should do quite a
bit of soul searching in order to discover if there was
anything you could have done differently to strengthen
the bond in your
relationship. Becoming too needy, and
overly dependent upon your spouse is never a good thing.
Therefore, you need to develop hobbies, friends and
interests of your own. That way if your relationship
does not work out, you have a cushion to fall on, and if
it does work out, you have used this experience for
personal growth. There is a lot to be learned about
yourself, your spouse and your
relationship following an affair. Be sure not to look
past the lesson, in order to stay focused on the pain.
Remember, that which does not kill us makes us stronger.
REMEMBER:
* * Part of healing
is self evaluation. Although nothing excuses an affair,
ask yourself: Was I the best, most loving, attentive
spouse I could have been?
* * Minimize input from
others as you deal with the aftermath of an affair.
You'd be surprised by the number of people who
don't have your best interest in mind.
* * Recognize that you
will not, and should not reclaim the marriage you once
had. You will be better served by relinquishing
the old relationship and building a new one. Often
a new anniversary date, a new way of communicating with
each other, and a renewed commitment to working together
in the relationship are essential.
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